I am really overly tired at this moment and not sure if my thoughts will be conveyed well.

I took a walk today; it was really beautiful out but I was in a somber mood. I even pondered what it would feel like to jump off the bridge I was sitting on as i dangled my feet over the edge. The grass beneath was so serene and green and appeared puffy as long blades and tall wildflowers swayed with the warm, and somewhat assertive wind. I could hear my walking partner say in the background, "If I jumped I would surely die!" But my eyes remained fixed on the ground and my mind continued exploring the possibilities of what jumping down would be like. Would I really die? Would the fluffy bed of grass welcome me and surround me like a big grassy blanket? Would I roll? Not likely, at least not from that far up. Would I hit my head and die instantly or would I break my bones and die slowly? All of my questions would be answered with one instantaneous decision.

I've made so many decisions in life this way. As the Nike slogan says, "Just Do It!" I got a stupid tatoo on my foot this way. I have obtained a dog and a pet lizard this way. Hell, some of my children were probably conceived this way. So why couldn't I just go for it this time like I did when I was a kid and I jumped off the top of the monkey bars before I talked myself out of it?

I guess the answer is that I wanna live. I want to someday have hopes and dreams and achieve goals. For now, I just wanna "be". I wanna feel free to just be me. Free to be me for once in my goddamn life. Be the me that accidentally squirts my Corona beer all up and down a strangers back because of my clumsiness. The me that is really late for your party even though I tried my damndest to make it on time. The me that will give you everything I own if you needed it. The me that is shy and insecure at times but opens up slowly with trust. The good and the bad, the pretty and ugly, the positive and negative, the yin and the yang.... me. (: