Reminiscing about the way i thought things once were....poems written for me several years ago:

"I am a hopeless soul stranded in the blistering desert's sun.

I seek refuge from the radiant beams of light and heat.

There is no shade to rest and there is not a place to run.

The feeling is reminiscent of the moment our existence came to greet.

You have captivated and capture my being

I repudiate such emotions that your presence evokes

My soul accedes the feelings you bring.

I concede that I need you more than one will ever know."

"just as flowers thirst for rain

same as the rooster awaiting the morning sun.

tree leaves thirst quenched from the morning dew.

my life can not be sustained without you."

A poem for you.

Good Times

Listening to your music
Watching you move back and forth
Up and down
As you manipulate the songs
Working one into the next
"Good Times" echo throughout the house.
"House Music!"
Remember that old house?
"Dont you like it?"
The floor reverberates that funky vibe.
That, "Funk a funk funk!"
Sipping a complicated red
Watching, listening to you complicate classics
Ooooh eeee! What, what?!
Stevie Wonder!
Fist bump!
Now yo' talkin'!
Ooh Michael
Baby be mine
Never let this end
I promise you
The dawn will be different.

Old Draft: "Fuck It"

Today was a pretty uneventful day, other than I attempted to choke back tears and missing a few that spilled over onto my face this morning. This evening on my commute back home it was the same thing, only this time I didn't bother choking anything back.  My life is a mess and coming apart in every direction. I wish I could make it better. I just want to love and give love so easily as I know I can, but its hard when at the same time you feel as if you are fighting for your own rights because no one else will. Sometimes you have to just say, "Fuck it." This is one of those times. I would probably be in a much happier place if I could just say, "Fuck it" and not let a single thing bother me.  Damnit, why can't I do that!?

Untouchable

Your wealth is not your own.
My riches abound so that I cannot contain.
You are blessed by my abundance and
Tell all of your great blessings.
How much more greatly blessed am I,
The source of your provisions?
My treasure grows exponentially day by day and
My coffer overflows.
You and others reap the benefits.
I am proud to share my wealth,
but my true treasure is kept hidden.
It is a life force that cannot be obtained or peculated.
It is like a river that rages, not with anger but determination.
It is the true river of life;
Not many know.
It is love,
And I drink from it daily.

New hope in your eyes I have never seen before
Hope and life replaced death and despair
Making plans, childlike excitement
Preparations for a new harvest
All the while the wounded raven watches, envious and hungry
The land is fertile,
Conditions prime
Love blooms like never before; innocent and new
It is time
But the raven cries out
You, in all your kindness take mercy;
forgetting the raven can be cunning and selfish,
you drop your seeds only to be devoured.
Sight of the beautiful harvest that was to be now lost,
you embrace death and despair once again
for they are your readily available commiserators.
I wanted to be strong for you,
but how can despair heal despair?
You have lost your way once again;
farming fruitless lands.
Day by day I watch your land wither.
Can you hear the earth of your land?
She cries out for you.

I am really overly tired at this moment and not sure if my thoughts will be conveyed well.

I took a walk today; it was really beautiful out but I was in a somber mood. I even pondered what it would feel like to jump off the bridge I was sitting on as i dangled my feet over the edge. The grass beneath was so serene and green and appeared puffy as long blades and tall wildflowers swayed with the warm, and somewhat assertive wind. I could hear my walking partner say in the background, "If I jumped I would surely die!" But my eyes remained fixed on the ground and my mind continued exploring the possibilities of what jumping down would be like. Would I really die? Would the fluffy bed of grass welcome me and surround me like a big grassy blanket? Would I roll? Not likely, at least not from that far up. Would I hit my head and die instantly or would I break my bones and die slowly? All of my questions would be answered with one instantaneous decision.

I've made so many decisions in life this way. As the Nike slogan says, "Just Do It!" I got a stupid tatoo on my foot this way. I have obtained a dog and a pet lizard this way. Hell, some of my children were probably conceived this way. So why couldn't I just go for it this time like I did when I was a kid and I jumped off the top of the monkey bars before I talked myself out of it?

I guess the answer is that I wanna live. I want to someday have hopes and dreams and achieve goals. For now, I just wanna "be". I wanna feel free to just be me. Free to be me for once in my goddamn life. Be the me that accidentally squirts my Corona beer all up and down a strangers back because of my clumsiness. The me that is really late for your party even though I tried my damndest to make it on time. The me that will give you everything I own if you needed it. The me that is shy and insecure at times but opens up slowly with trust. The good and the bad, the pretty and ugly, the positive and negative, the yin and the yang.... me. (:

The Test

The wind in the storm blows to and fro.
Unyielding, unpredictable but expected.
Life in the form of the flower accedes
Following her love in each direction.
She follows remembering warm in step tangos.
Where once his breath warmed and gave life,
Now screaming force pulls at her existence.
Knowing with each whip and turn, she weakens.
She yields.
Petals plucked with each shift

She loves me...
She loves me not...
She loves me...
She loves me not...

She loves me.