I wonder if there is a measure of happiness that you are given before you are born? Does God say you can only have this much happiness and if you go over your limit, it will be balanced by sadness? This stage of my life has been the happiest and sadest, yet at the same time I am numb; like I have no more emotions left. I ask myself, "Did I spend all that was given? Is this all there is?"

My Journey

Last night I looking for the ocean. Well, I wasn't really. It was a bizarre dream I had. I was with someone. Who it was, I couldn't tell. I just knew it was a friend. We were on a journey to find the ocean as I have said earlier. On our way we found 3 birds that were tied up. They looked as if they were dying. I felt very sorry for them, so I released them. The birds flew away and were instantly renewed and alive as if they were never bound. Soon after, I discover that a hungry, vagabond child had tied up the birds so that he would have something to eat.

That is all I remember. I am always kind of curious about things so I looked up the meaning for the symbols in my dream...

ocean- spiritual refreshment, tranquility, renewal

bird flying- represents joy, harmony, ecstasy, balance, love, spiritual freedom, psychological liberation, sunny outlook on life, weight being lifted.

birds tied up- feeling locked up, unable to express self, and loss of freedom.

child- represents self. childlike qualities and unfulfilled hopes. shows a need for growth and nurturing.

three (the three birds)- signifies life, vitality, inner strength, completion, imagination, creativity, energy and self exploration. 3 also stands for trilogy such as: past present future

journey- signifies profits, self discovery, progress

to have friends on a journey- signifies delightful and welcomed change and harmony

For the first time in my life at the age of 35, I feel alive. In fact, everything around me seems to be more alive. I have opened up my senses to the world around me. I hear music down deep in my soul, and I notice the beautiful scent of the weeds in a field. I am hypnotized by the deep love and tenderness a mother shows her sick child. I have realized that I should not try to change this world around me to become more like myself, but to enjoy and accept the beauty in it. It is this belief that causes me to feel alive.

I have begun reading a book called, "Even the Stars Look Lonesome," by Maya Angelou. This book so far, is becoming one of my favorites of hers yet. Several of the passages have special meaning to me, perhaps in a unique way than the author intended.

One of the passages that holds special meaning to me is one in which she speaks of sensuality. When I read it, I think of being alive. It reads:

"There are some who are so frightened by the idea of sensual entertainment that they make even their dwelling places bleak and joyless. And what is horrible is that they would have others share that lonely landscape. Personally, I'll have no part of it. I want all my senses engaged. I would have my ears filled with the world's music, the grunts of hewers of wood, the cackle of old folks sitting in the last sunlight and the whir of busy bees int he early morning. I want to hear the sharp sound of tap dancing and the mournful murmur of a spiritual half remembered and then half sung. I want the clashing of cymbals of a marching band and the whisper of a lover entreating a beloved. Let me hear anxious parents warning their obstreperous offspring and a pedantic pedagogue teaching a bored class the mysteries of thermodynamics. All sounds of life and living, death and dying are welcome to my ears."

The Birds and the Bees and the Flowers...

Today I attempted to have the sex talk with my 12 yr old. It's not like we haven't talked about it before, but I have really been bothered by the way sex and love are portrayed in tv and movies, so I wanted to have a follow-up convo about it. I started out by saying something like, "You know that sex should be saved for sharing with someone that you are in love with and not for giving away to just anyone?" He gave me the "I know, mom" look. At that moment my younger daughter piped in. She had heard what we were talking about and matter-of-factly said, "He knows. He already taught us about that." I thought, Oh my lord!" Later, I pressed her for details. I wanted to know what was said and how they got to talking about that! She told me that one day they were looking at a flower and inspecting its parts and they got to talking about it. "Did you talk about love?" I asked. She said, "Yes." I was like, whew! I then pressed further. "What else was said?" She smiled and said, "Mom, I'll tell you when I'm 18."

A friend is...

A friend is someone who lends you money when you are flat-ass broke and they barely got 2 nickels to rub together.

A friend is...

A friend is someone who takes your child off your hands the moment that you feel that you may strangle him.

My friend and I went shopping the other day at a very large shopping mall. We had planned to look around and then get a bite to eat. We stopped in several stores that we wanted to visit and some my 12 and 16 yr olds wanted to go to. During this time, my 7 yr old began complaining. He thought that it was unfair that we were only visiting the, "Big people's stores." Apparantly all the complaining got his appetite worked up and he moped and complained even more about being hungry. I had some things to do before we could stop to eat, so I got very irritated with my son's behavior. There is this thing that I do when I try to convey to my children that I mean business; I grab them by their arm and give them a very stern look. The kids usually know that is the time to step back because mom ain't playin' around, but not this kid. That never works on him, I don't even know why I try it. When I use this move on him he gets even louder and starts crying and causing a scene. I finally had it and told him to go sit and cry by himself in the corner of the store.

My friend, who is such a bad-ass (yeah, right) took pity on that child. She and he left the store. The next thing I saw was them walking towards me in the mall hallway. She: nonchalantly munchin' on a bag of popcorn, walking in her typical, hips swayin', I don't rush for anyone way. He: wearing an ear to ear smile on his dirty, dried up, tear traced face, strutting along side her with a tray of nachos and cheese in one hand, and a container of jalapenos in the other.

I could've been mad with her for going behind my back, but I wasn't. I was so amused at the sight of them that I could never be mad. I stood there in my amusement in the middle of that mall hallway and thought to myself, "This is what a friend is."

To all of you "Garys"

Why do guys persist on trying to get with you when you are so obviously not interested? This so disturbing to me. I seriously get so creeped out that I want to run and go vomit!

I think that my feelings stem back to when I was in the 2nd grade. The boy after me back then was Gary. I did not like Gary! I liked Larry. I don't think Gary was necessarily gross, but he was just not Larry. Larry had the bluest eyes and the blondest hair (which is what I liked back then) and he was so cool. Gary was not so cool. It seemed that every where I went he was there. He would ask me 1,000 questions which made me very uncomfortable because I was so shy.

My mom began to be amused at my vexation. She would sing, "You and Gary sittin' in a tree k-i-s-s-i-n-g..." I would get so angry because I liked Larry, not stupid ol' Gary! One time when we were relaxing on a lake in our boat we saw Gary off in the distance on shore. My mom kept saying, "Go swim out and talk to him!" I wish I coulda said, "Hell no, mom!" Instead I just fell silent and ill.

These days the guys think that I am desperate for a man or husband because I am a single mom, but those same ill feelings come over me to this day whenever a guy persists, even though I have shown no interest in him whatsoever. So, pay attention any of you that think that you can win me over just because I am a single mom. I am picky! You should know that you make me sick with your lines, invitations, and proposals! Know this: I won't settle for anything less than a "Larry."

A Coincidence?

Did you ever get the feeling that you've known somebody for years, yet you've only just met them? That happened to me this week. I tend to have a this thing for remembering people's faces, so much so that it feels like a curse at times. This was different. I looked at this person and suddenly felt like I know so much about their personality. I have spent this whole week around this person, but did not say a word about my feelings. I did not want to seem like a weirdo. Today, we finally spoke to each other. One of the first things she said to me is that she feels like she knows me. When we tried to figure out how we would know each other, we couldn't come up with any commonalities. She has lived a completely different life than I, not to mention she is 5 or 6 years younger than me. She even mentioned how she felt like she knew everything about my personality! Is that crazy or what? Someone even joked that we were sisters that were separated. I am slightly haunted by this whole situation. I think that I will just leave it alone, and if there is some reason that our paths crossed, then so be it. Someday it may unfold.

Kids really do say the darndest things. Today when I picked up my kids from daycare (7&8 yrs old) they were drawing with friends. When we were about to leave, my daughter yelled to her friend, "Don't forget to make the testicles!" The teacher looked at her! I thought her eyes were going to fall out of her head onto the ground! The first thing I said to myself was, "Oh my lord!" My son, who is the 7 yr old, turned and looked at her knowingly. He said, "I think you mean tentacles. Do you even know what testicles are? I know because mom told me. One day I said, "Ow, I hurt my balls!" Mom yelled at me and told me not to say balls, because they are called testicles!" My daughter laughed at her mistake, along with my son. I joined along. My laughter was more out of relief that she wasn't trying to draw balls. Hallelujah!!!

air head

I had a full day today. It started out with a flat tire. I have never put air in my tires before, so I called my mom and she tried to explain what to do. Well, when I attempted to put the air in my tire, it seemed as if nothing was coming out, so I called my mom again, which was pretty pathetic. All she could say was, "Go get help from the attendant." When I hung up with her, a guy pulled up behind me and I thought, "Ha, help has just arrived!" I asked the guy for help, but he just did the job for me. He kept saying that the nozzle was just frozen that was why it wasn't working, but I knew better. After watching him fill the tires, I discovered that I was doing it right, I just needed to wait a lot longer to let the tire fill up. The reason he thought the nozzle was frozen was because when he looked at it, there was snow inside. But little did he know, that the snow was there because before he had pulled up, I had let the damned thing drop in frustration!

true beauty

I saw the most beautiful thing today: 9 babies in a stroller. Babies are quite beautiful, especially when they are happy, smiling and talking as these children were. But I think these babies struck me as extraordinary, because they were being strolled through the nursing home. Their vibrance and vitality shined brighter than the death and sadness in that dismal place for the few moments that they were there. I just leaned back, smiled, and basked in their sunlight.