A friend is...

A friend is someone who takes your child off your hands the moment that you feel that you may strangle him.

My friend and I went shopping the other day at a very large shopping mall. We had planned to look around and then get a bite to eat. We stopped in several stores that we wanted to visit and some my 12 and 16 yr olds wanted to go to. During this time, my 7 yr old began complaining. He thought that it was unfair that we were only visiting the, "Big people's stores." Apparantly all the complaining got his appetite worked up and he moped and complained even more about being hungry. I had some things to do before we could stop to eat, so I got very irritated with my son's behavior. There is this thing that I do when I try to convey to my children that I mean business; I grab them by their arm and give them a very stern look. The kids usually know that is the time to step back because mom ain't playin' around, but not this kid. That never works on him, I don't even know why I try it. When I use this move on him he gets even louder and starts crying and causing a scene. I finally had it and told him to go sit and cry by himself in the corner of the store.

My friend, who is such a bad-ass (yeah, right) took pity on that child. She and he left the store. The next thing I saw was them walking towards me in the mall hallway. She: nonchalantly munchin' on a bag of popcorn, walking in her typical, hips swayin', I don't rush for anyone way. He: wearing an ear to ear smile on his dirty, dried up, tear traced face, strutting along side her with a tray of nachos and cheese in one hand, and a container of jalapenos in the other.

I could've been mad with her for going behind my back, but I wasn't. I was so amused at the sight of them that I could never be mad. I stood there in my amusement in the middle of that mall hallway and thought to myself, "This is what a friend is."

To all of you "Garys"

Why do guys persist on trying to get with you when you are so obviously not interested? This so disturbing to me. I seriously get so creeped out that I want to run and go vomit!

I think that my feelings stem back to when I was in the 2nd grade. The boy after me back then was Gary. I did not like Gary! I liked Larry. I don't think Gary was necessarily gross, but he was just not Larry. Larry had the bluest eyes and the blondest hair (which is what I liked back then) and he was so cool. Gary was not so cool. It seemed that every where I went he was there. He would ask me 1,000 questions which made me very uncomfortable because I was so shy.

My mom began to be amused at my vexation. She would sing, "You and Gary sittin' in a tree k-i-s-s-i-n-g..." I would get so angry because I liked Larry, not stupid ol' Gary! One time when we were relaxing on a lake in our boat we saw Gary off in the distance on shore. My mom kept saying, "Go swim out and talk to him!" I wish I coulda said, "Hell no, mom!" Instead I just fell silent and ill.

These days the guys think that I am desperate for a man or husband because I am a single mom, but those same ill feelings come over me to this day whenever a guy persists, even though I have shown no interest in him whatsoever. So, pay attention any of you that think that you can win me over just because I am a single mom. I am picky! You should know that you make me sick with your lines, invitations, and proposals! Know this: I won't settle for anything less than a "Larry."